For hours after the incident, I could still see the impressions
of the other preschooler’s front teeth on the bridge of my
four-year-old son’s nose. Apparently my son’s classmate
had become very frustrated by something at school. Perhaps my son
had been playing with a toy the other boy had wanted. Who knows?
Unable to express his feelings in words, the boy chomped on the
closest thing he could find—which was unfortunately my son’s
face. As with most situations like this, there was no lasting harm
done, although both children were surprised and upset by what had
happened.
Biting is a very emotional topic for the parents of toddlers and
preschoolers. We tend to look at a child who bites with more disdain
and perhaps more fear than a child the same age who kicks or hits.
There is something wild and animal-like in a bite that makes it
particularly upsetting, even if the risks of physical harm are quite
small.
Similarly, the sometimes-dramatic concerns of parents whose children
bite others are seldom warranted. Biting is very common among young
children, and does not by itself predict later emotional or social
problems. Yet even many preschool teachers have misconceptions about
its causes and may respond in ways that do more harm than good.
A few years ago I received a call from the distressed mother of
a nineteen-month-old girl who occasionally bit her playmates at
a family child-care center where the owner didn’t believe in
letting children use pacifiers. What upset this mother, who directed
two shelters for neglected and abused children in Minneapolis, was
that the woman who ran the child-care center asked for written permission
to put Tabasco sauce on the girl’s tongue whenever she bit
someone else—a response that would not only be ineffective,
but would constitute child abuse.
When the mother refused to give her permission, she started receiving
calls from other parents who used the child-care center. They threatened
to withdraw their children if she didn’t take her daughter
somewhere else. The situation grew so tense and became so stressful
for the child that she started biting even more. The problem disappeared,
of course, as soon as the girl started attending another child-care
center where she was able to calm herself with her pacifier when
she needed it.
Most biting occurs in children between the ages of one-and-a-half
and three years old. Its occurrence reflects not only the children’s
feelings, but also their ability to use expressive language. A five-year-old
who doesn’t want to share his toy car has the verbal skills
to say something like, "Leave this alone! It’s mine!"
A two-year-old does not. Instead of expressing his feelings with
words, he defends his turf with his teeth.
Anger isn’t the only trigger for biting. Sometimes children
will bite when they’re excited or even very happy. (This poses
a particular problem for mothers who nurse older children whose
first teeth have started to break through.) While almost all toddlers
will bite someone at one time or another, very few will do so regularly.
If that’s occurring, it’s a tip-off that something else
is wrong. As with other forms of misbehavior, it may be a socially
inappropriate way of getting more individual attention from the
adults in his life. It may also reflect stress from changes at home,
such as the birth of a new sibling or his parents’ recent divorce.
Rarely is biting malicious or premeditated. Children this age usually
act without thinking of the consequences. In fact, when one child
bites another, the one who bites is often as surprised and upset
as the one who was bitten.
HELPING A CHILD WHO BITES
- Respond swiftly. Children this age have very short attention
spans. If you wait even a few minutes before talking to a child,
he may not understand what you’re talking about.
Also, don’t make vague statements like, "Now be nice
to Billy." A toddler may not see the link between that and
his biting. Instead, immediately tell the child like this: "No!
People are not for biting. We can bite apples and sandwiches,
but we never bite people."
- Pay as much attention to the child’s feelings as to
the biting. Also, show her another way of expressing what
she feels. For example, begin by putting her emotions into words.
("I can see that you’re very angry. You don’t want
Sarah to take your toy.") This helps her make the connection
between what she’s feeling and the names of those emotions.
- Show your child a more-acceptable non-verbal way of expressing
her emotions. This might be stomping the floor or punching
a pillow. Once her verbal skills improve, she’ll have less
of a need to vent her frustration in those ways.
- Keep things in perspective. Remember that biting is a
normal behavior for toddlers and young preschoolers. The risks
of injury are minimal, especially if the bite doesn't break the
skin. Usually, the only treatment the victim requires is a hug.
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