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Some parents are more nervous about their children's dating than
the children are. There may, of course, be good reasons for this—especially
if those children are likely to become sexually active. The risks
of unprotected sex are significantly higher now than they were when
today's parents were teenagers.
But in the beginning, sexual activity is seldom a concern. Here
are some things to keep in mind when your children start showing
an interest in the opposite sex:
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Don't panic if your child tells you he or she is going steady.
During late elementary school and middle or junior high school,
claiming to have a boyfriend or girlfriend often has much more
to do with impressing the child's friends of the same sex than
with going out on dates. Most of the time when children this
age say they're going steady with someone, it's mostly talk,
not romance.
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Don't worry if your child isn't interested in dating at the
same age you were. Remember that there's tremendous natural
variation in children's interest in the opposite sex. As with
most aspects of child development, a strong interest in dating
is only a concern if it occurs several years ahead of or after
your child's peers.
What's more important is that your child has the social skills
she needs to build other friendships. A teenager who doesn't
have enough self-esteem to engage in same-sex friendship is
crying out for professional help.
Keep in mind that your child's emotional response to this situation
is more important than yours. If your child is upset about not
dating, then it's an issue you should explore together. If she
isn't upset, don't force the issue.
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Pay attention to the messages you give your children about
dating. Children look to their parents for subtle cues about
whether they may confide their confusing feelings about dating.
If children sense that their parents will quickly judge, criticize,
or reject them, they'll try to hide what they're doing and how
much they're feeling. Parents who are anxious about their children's
social life may unintentionally give them the message that they
can't talk about it.
One approach is to share some of your own early dating (or nondating)
experiences with your child. Talk about your emotions at the
time, for that will let your child know she's not the only one
to have felt strongly about this. It will also give her permission
to share what she's feeling.
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Use phone calls from members of the opposite sex to teach
your child some new social skills. Some children feel caught
in a bind when this happens. They want to maintain some sort
of relationship with the person who's calling, but they don't
feel comfortable with a greater degree of intimacy. You can
talk about—and even role-play, if your child doesn’t
feel too embarrassed—how to handle getting a telephone
call from someone when she doesn't want to speak with him at
that time.
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Remember the true purpose of dating during adolescence. Dating
is a way for children to try out new and more adult social roles
as they make the transition to independence. Any experience
that allows a child to test these more mature roles will serve
that purpose. Going out in larger mixed-sex groups or going
to mixed-sex social events is often more important developmentally
for adolescents than dating as a couple.
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Don't base your decision on when to let your children date
on what others their age are doing. Emotional maturity and comfort
are much more important indicators of when they're ready. Children
sometimes need your permission to act like kids a little longer.
This can sometimes be difficult, since parents may feel their
own social pressure to let their children date. But if you feel
that your child isn't ready, you should take a stand and try
to find other parents who have similar feelings. The lessons
you teach your child by doing this will extend well beyond the
issues of dating.
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Don't push your children to date. Doing so will probably backfire,
especially if your children are anxious about it. Instead, encourage
them to become involved in mixed-sex activities that don't seem
as risky. Working together on a school play or a yearbook, or
participating in a community service project or political campaign
gives teenagers a chance to test new ways of socializing without
feeling that everything they do is being judged by the opposite
sex.
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