A three-year-old who cries out, "Mommy! Look how big that
man's nose is!" will probably be politely shushed by his mother
and ignored by the man. An adult who makes an equivalent statement,
however, might find his own nose swollen and hurting within seconds.
The difference is much more than a matter of social graces. We do
not expect three-year-olds to understand how the things they say
affect other people's emotions. They are not empathic in the way
adults or even well-adjusted six-year-olds are.
To empathize with someone is to understand what he is feeling
or, more properly, to understand what you would feel like if you
were in his situation. It is an extension of self-concept, but it
is far more complex. It requires an awareness that others think
of themselves in ways that are both similar to and different from
the way you do, and that they also have emotions they associate
with those thoughts and images.
Unlike intelligence and physical attractiveness, which depend
largely on genetics, empathy is a skill that children learn. Its
value is multifold. Children who are empathic tend to do better
in school, in social situations, and in their adult careers. Children
and teenagers who have the greatest amount of skill at empathy are
viewed as leaders by their peers. The best teachers of that skill
are the children's parents.
The precursors of empathy can be seen in children within the first
day or two of life. A crying newborn child in a hospital nursery
will often trigger crying among other infants in the room. Such
crying is not a true display of empathy. The newborn infant appears
to be simply responding to a sound that makes her uncomfortable,
much as she would to any loud noise.
Toddlers sometimes show behavior that is closer to true empathy
in their first efforts to connect another person's discomfort with
their own. When a two-year-old sees his mother crying, he may offer
her a toy he's been playing with or a cookie he's been nibbling.
He is giving his mother something that he knows has made him feel
better when he has cried. It is unclear, however, whether the child
understands what his mother is feeling, or is simply upset by the
way she is acting, much in the way a puppy will come up and lick
the face of someone who's crying.
By the time a child is about four years old, he begins to associate
his emotions with the feelings of others. While one child says he
has a stomachache, some four-year-olds may come over and comfort
him. Others, much to the bewilderment and horror of parents and
teachers, will walk over the to child and punch him in the stomach.
Yet in each case the healthy child is demonstrating his empathy
for the one who is ill. The aggressive child does not know what
to do with the skill he's been developing. The other child's pain
makes him feel uncomfortable. Instead of running away or rubbing
his own stomach, as he might have done a year earlier, he feels
frustrated and lashes out.
Teaching Empathy
Although the best training for empathy begins in infancy, it's
never too late to start. Infants and toddlers learn the most by
how their parents treat them when they are cranky, frightened, or
upset. By the time a child is in preschool, you can begin talking
about how other people feel.
The way you show your own empathy, however, may be more important
than anything you say. If your three-year-old cries out, "Look
at the fat lady!" and you publicly bawl out your child and
say that he shouldn't embarrass other people, you're working against
yourself. Instead, quietly and gently explain why saying that may
make the woman feel bad. Ask him if he's ever felt bad because of
something a person said. Even so, some three-year-olds may be too
young to comprehend what you are saying.
When a child is about five, he can learn about empathy by talking
about hypothetical problems. How would you feel if someone took
a toy away from you? How would your friend feels if someone took
a toy away from him? By the time a child is eight, he can grapple
with more complex moral decisions in which he must realize that
someone else's feelings may be different from his own.
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