Any child who has spilled a glass of milk or tried to negotiate
a later bedtime is aware of the subtle differences in her parents'
styles of discipline. One parent is often a bit quicker to yell
or to forgive. One may be more sensitive to appearances and propriety,
while the other may focus on results. The blending of those two
styles forms the family's approach to raising children.
But there are some families in which the parents' beliefs about
changing children's behavior are so different that their attempts
at discipline become more of a problem than a solution. A child
whose mother is strict but whose father is a consistent pushover,
for example, receives confusing information about what's expected.
Such fundamental disagreements can lead to difficulties that go
far beyond the consequences of not picking up toys after playing
with them. Studies by Dr. James H. Bray at Baylor College of Medicine
in Houston have found that parents who have significantly different
child-rearing styles are more likely to have children with behavior
problems than families who have similar styles.
Toddlers and preschoolers naturally test the limits of what's
acceptable in their behavior. It's one of the ways that they figure
out how the world works. While those limits may be temporarily frustrating
to them, they are ultimately reassuring because they are predictable.
Young children need limits and thrive on their predictability.
A parent who gives in to his children's every demand in the hope
of satisfying them almost always finds that the opposite happens:
Instead of letting up, the children continue to push for more and
more, looking for a sign of how much is too much.
A similar thing happens if the parents cannot decide how to discipline
and set limits on their children. It's healthy for children to see
how their parents reach a compromise or settle a disagreement if
it's done peacefully and effectively. But if the parents can't reach
an agreement, the children's behavior often gets worse as they search
for the reassurance of stable boundaries to their lives.
In those situations, the main issue of using discipline to teach
children appropriate behavior gets lost in the battles between parents
for an illusion of control. The children become confused and respond
by continuing to act out, both to assert their own power and to
figure out which rules are really important.
Working Together on Discipline
It's not surprising that parents have differing views on the best
way to discipline their children. Working out those differences
requires clarity and perspective. Safety issues (You have to hold
an adult's hand when you're walking on the sidewalk) should be the
first consideration. They also require the greatest amount of agreement
from both parents.
Other matters can usually be resolved by compromise or agreeing
on which parent will set the rules about particular issues. Even
so, forming a united front on discipline is often more easily said
than done. Here are some ideas that may help:
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Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes
in children's behaviors are linked to their stage of normal
development. It should come as no surprise that your toddler
becomes defiant or your preschooler has an occasional temper
tantrum. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle
these predictable situations. That way you'll have fewer conflicts
when they occur.
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Don't be trapped by your past. That includes both your own
childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an
earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your spouse,
your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining children. One
good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That
does two things: It helps you realize how differently other
people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and
it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from
which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.
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