"I wanted to strangle the kid!" a friend of mine exclaimed
as he recalled the recent behavior of a visiting child at his daughter's
sixth birthday party. My friend is a family therapist who is among
the most patient and understanding people I know. Although he did
not yield to his urges and in fact handled the situation very well,
his anger and frustration highlight the difficulties that arise
when adults have to discipline other people's children.
In retrospect, the birthday party incident should not have been
a surprise. It began when one of the twenty children attending couldn't
sit still during a magic show. He began elbowing the other children
on either side of him. Since the child's parents were not around,
the host asked him to sit quietly. Five minutes later, the child's
elbows were flying again.
"I picked him up and took him away from the rest of the group,"
the host explained. "I looked at him eyeball to eyeball and
explained that his behavior was not permitted in our house. He agreed
to behave properly."
Following the magic show, the children took turns trying to break
open a pinata with a plastic baseball bat. When the misbehaving
child's turn came, he grabbed the bat and started hitting the other
children over the head. The host took away the bat and, keeping
his own primitive responses in check, escorted the child to an adjacent
room until they both calmed down.
Birthday parties are among the most likely situations to trigger
aggressive behaviors among visiting children under the age of seven
or eight. Children of that age do not yet have a well-developed
sense of empathy, and get little joy from someone else's celebration.
They often feel ambivalent or jealous that another child is the
center of attention and that they must give a gift without immediately
receiving an equal or better gift in return. These feelings, when
combined with the extra stimulation of ice cream, cake, entertainment
and party games, may become overwhelming. Faced with this situation,
some children lose control. Their disruptive, acting-out behavior
is contagious and rapidly spreads to other overstimulated children.
Such out-of-control behavior is much less common when young children
are playing in small groups. Instead, parents are more likely to
observe arguing, taunting or teasing. Although this type of behavior
isn't nice, parents shouldn't be concerned or try to intervene unless
it becomes dangerous. In fact, certain types of fighting between
young children serves a very useful purpose, for it teaches them
ways of handling disagreements and power struggles with peers.
The places where children's disruptive behaviors occur may be more
important than what those children do when they're out of control.
Most emotionally healthy children are more constrained when they
are at friends' houses than when they are at home. One reasons is
that children feel more secure in their relationships with their
parents than in their relationships with other adults. They know
that their parents will love them even if they do something bad.
It's a sign of a more serious problem, however, when a child is
controlled at home and uncontrolled at school or at other people's
houses.
So what should you do if you have to discipline someone else's
child? This is more complex and emotionally draining than disciplining
your own kids. The fact that the child's actions are no reflection
on your own skills as a parent is of little comfort at the time.
Certain unsafe behaviors, such as playing with sharp objects or
running onto a road, require immediately reactions from all adults.
But what about more benign areas, such as table manners or language?
The child may come from a family that has different standards and
expectations of behavior. The child's parents may interpret an outside
adult's attempts at discipline as an affront to them or, at an extreme,
as an assault upon their child. By permitting another child to behave
in a way you do not approve, are you giving a mixed and confusing
message to your own children? Here are some guidelines:
-
Remember that you have the right to make the rules in your
own house. Just because the other child insists that his parents
allow him to do something doesn't mean you have to allow it
as well. Also, with young children, don't worry about trying
to justify your rules. They're not mature enough to understand
complex logical thought. Instead, simply state the rules and
repeat them when necessary.
-
Remember that young children may not be aware of alternative
behaviors that adults take for granted. Stating that talking
at the dinner table with a mouthful of food is not acceptable
may do little to change the behavior of a four-year-old unless
the child is also told that he or she should swallow the food
before speaking. Similarly, telling children that roughhousing
indoors is not allowed will often have little effect unless
you provide them with an alternative activity that also allows
them to burn off energy.
-
Large groups of children require different tactics. A visiting
child who is out of control when she's part of a group will
have a great deal of trouble regaining her composure unless
she's physically removed from that setting. It's often useful
to take the child to a different room and give her something
quiet to do, such as reading a book or listening to a tape or
CD. If that doesn't work, don't punish the child since she probably
won't learn what you're hoping she will. Instead, call the parents
and tell them that their child is having a hard time handling
the activities.
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