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The breakup of an older adolescent's long-term relationship can
be very painful, for the child and occasionally for the adult as
well. We may vicariously feel our child's hurt, disappointment,
and anger. It is, at best, an awkward situation. Yet this experience
may provide parents and children with an opportunity to learn about
one another at a different level and begin a new stage of their
relationship.
In the late 1980s, Dr. Terri L. Orbuch, a social psychologist at
the University of Michigan, studied 150 college students and non-students
to find out how they handled the breakup of long-term relationships.
She found that late adolescents were more likely to go to their
friends for support than to their parents because, they said, they
thought their friends would take their situation more seriously.
One of the most striking findings was the differences in the ways
men and women tended to handle the stress of the breakup. Women
this age were more likely to seek advice from family members and
friends. Men were more likely to respond to the breakup by spending
more time in competitive sports.
Other studies have indicated the tendency of young women to be
more verbal and young men more physical in their attempts to recover
from broken relationships. While this may sound strikingly similar
to the way boys and girls in early elementary school handle stressful
events, this time it can't be attributed largely to differences
in verbal skills.
Instead, it seems to be linked to how they feel others will respond
to their descriptions of what happened. Young women describe sharing
the story of their breakup as something that helps them grow closer
to their peers because they feel more comfortable sharing such intimacies.
Young men tend to be much less comfortable talking to each other
this way. They may view the breakup as a failure on their part,
and therefore a poor reflection on themselves.
You also shouldn't assume that men bounce back more easily than
women do from a love affair gone sour, or that women are more likely
to be "dumped" than men are. Research by Dr. Charles T.
Hill of Whittier College in California found that several of the
commonly held assumptions about the differences between how men
and women perceive relationships are false. Starting in the mid
1970s, he followed 231 college-age couples who said that they were
seeing each other exclusively. He found that 50 percent had broken
up within fifteen years.
In contrast to the stereotype, Dr. Hill found that in his sample,
women were more likely to be the ones to break up with their partners.
He and others have also found that men are more likely to hold starry-eyed
beliefs such as that true love lasts forever and that love can overcome
all obstacles.
Finally, there are certain times of year when young love is likely
to come to an end, and therefore when parents are more likely to
see its ramifications. Studies of long-term teenage relationships
have found that young couples tend to break up at the beginning
or end of the school year, or over Christmas break. These are, perhaps,
the easiest times to end a relationship because the changes in an
adolescent's schedule increase the likelihood of quickly meeting
another partner.
RESPONDING TO THE BREAKUP
So what can you do if your son or daughter has just split up with
a long-term sweetheart? Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Don't rush in with advice. Many parents feel uncomfortable
in this situation because it reminds them of painful episodes
from their own adolescence. Remember that a breakup can be like
a death, and a teenager (and an adult as well) may need to go
through a certain amount of mourning to resolve it.
Giving advice will probably make your child feel worse because
it sets the two of you up in old roles, and may emphasize his
feelings of inadequacy or incompetence. Instead, acknowledge,
what he is saying and let him know what emotions you are hearing
in his voice. This shows him that you are listening, and helps
him think through the situation.
- Gently encourage your child to discuss how he feels about himself
after a breakup. This is particularly important for young men,
since many feel uncomfortable disclosing emotions, especially
those that could be interpreted as signs of weakness.
If your child doesn't want to talk, don't try to force the
issue. Let your child take the initiative to express his feelings
in his own way. Applying too much pressure before your child
is ready will make him even more hesitant to discuss the problem.
Instead, tell him that you're available if he wants to talk.
Don't worry if your child never talks to you about the situation.
That simply means that he felt more comfortable, at that moment,
confiding in someone else.
-
Don't dismiss or deny the significance of the relationship.
In an effort to be reassuring, parents sometimes say things
like, "By the time you're thirty, you'll have forgotten
all about this." But diminishing the problem will probably
make your child feel worse since she now feels rejected by her
parents as well. Besides, by the time she's thirty, she will
not have forgotten all about this relationship; she simply will
have changed her perspective on it.
-
Keep your opinions of the former girlfriend or boyfriend to
yourself. It's tempting to lash out at the person associated
with your child's pain. But keep in mind that people who have
recently broken up, especially adolescents, often have ambivalent
feelings about each other. If you criticize the former boyfriend,
your child may feel even more uncomfortable and may begin to
defend him.
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