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Helping children who have learning disabilities can be as tricky
as walking a tightrope. If you don't keep encouraging them to try,
they may interpret their disability as a sign that they are doomed
to failure. But if you simply tell them to "tough it out"
and ignore their learning difficulties, they'll become even more
frustrated. In fact, if you push these children too hard, they may
worry that they're not only failing in school, but failing in your
eyes as well.
Typically, parents and schools try to help learning-disabled students—roughly
defined as those children whose academic performance is consistently
and significantly below what various measures of their overall intelligence
would predict—by imposing rigid rules and fewer choices. The
increased structure is supposed to help learning-disabled children
organize their thoughts and learn better.
While the idea, at first blush, would seem to make sense, research
has found that it may make matters worse. Those studies found that
learning-disabled children tend to do better at school when their
teachers and parents don't control them as much, and when they let
them make more of their own decisions.
One reason is that children are very sensitive to the difference
between being controlled and being encouraged. Encouragement recognizes
that the child is fundamentally competent at a task, even if he's
having trouble with it. Control implies that the adults don't think
he can do the task on his own. When Dr. Edward I. Deci and others
at the University of Rochester compared groups of mothers, they
found that those who had children with learning disabilities were
often less consistent in their expectations of their children, were
less involved in the children's chores and homework, and were more
controlling—which is exactly the opposite of what those children
needed.
The style of parents' involvement with their children's schoolwork
is also important. For parents who did well in school, having a
child with a learning disability can lead them to change the way
they relate to their children. Academic success becomes disproportionately
important, and may even become the main focus of their relationship.
This can begin a cycle of anger and alienation on both sides, and
can lead to family problems that far outweigh the academic ones.
One of the most difficult problems for children who have learning
disabilities is staying excited about school. All too often, they
see the classroom as a place for failure and, therefore, a place
to be avoided. There are several things you can do as a parent to
help prevent these problems:
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Examine your own attitudes first. If you find yourself getting
very angry about your child's problems at school, try to step
back and figure out why. Ask yourself whether you're upset at
your child or upset at yourself for having "failed"
in some way because your child isn't perfect.
-
Get a thorough evaluation of your child from a team of professionals
who specialize in children's learning disabilities. While public
schools are required to offer such services, there are many
areas of the country where this help is difficult to come by.
One useful alternative approach that need not be very expensive
is to contact the pediatrics department of a medical center
affiliated with a medical school, or a school psychology graduate
training program at a local university. Both will probably offer
diagnostic clinics that charge on a sliding scale depending
upon your family's ability to pay.
The result of this evaluation should be not just a diagnosis,
but an individual education plan (IEP) for your child. Don't
be intimidated by jargon. If there's anything a member of the
team says that's unclear, get it clarified.
-
Don't think of a learning disability as an inability to learn.
This is a trap that some children and parents fall into, often
leading the child to give up and drop out of school. Even though
it takes longer, see that your child masters basic skills with
numbers, shapes and letters. Pay particular attention to reading,
for a problem in this area will lead to difficulties in almost
every class your child will take.
-
Talk about your child's emotions as well as his performance.
For example, if your child has difficulty with motor coordination,
talk about how frustrating it must be when his hand doesn't
do what his brain wants it to do. That lets your child know
that you understand how his problem feels to him, and that you
accept him in spite of it. Unless he feels accepted, he has
little reason to push himself to achieve.
-
Remember that your children may not learn things the same way
you did. Don't force a style of studying on your children because
it worked for you. If that style doesn't meet their needs, it's
likely to lead to failure and resentment. Instead, ask them
for suggestions about what might work best. Be flexible and
willing to experiment. Stay in close touch with your children's
special-education teachers.
Also, instead of just focusing on what your children are having
difficulty doing, pay extra attention to what your children
are doing well. That encourages them to try different approaches
to their schoolwork so that they can make the most of their
strengths. For example, some children may need to have their
textbooks read to them; others have difficulty following oral
instructions, but do well reading those same instructions.
By adjusting your approaches to take advantage of your child's
strengths, you can help break through some of the emotional
barriers that might otherwise hold him back. If your child realizes
that he's fundamentally competent, even though he might not
learn the same way or as quickly as his friends, he'll feel
much better about himself both in school and at home.
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