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All children (we hope!) eventually leave home. For most, this separation
comes at a predictable and ritualized period of their lives, such
as the start of college or the beginning of a marriage. For others,
especially young teenagers, moving out of their home can be an attempt
to protect themselves, an act of rebellion, or a cry for help.
It's important to distinguish between two types of premature departures:
moving toward another support system, and simply running away from home with an eye toward escape.
The former can be a very positive experience for an adolescent;
the latter is much more likely to be terrifying and self-destructive.
This month, I'll look at constructive ways that teenagers can spend
time away from their parents.
When a colleague of mine, who's now a distinguished professor
of child development, was fifteen years old, he told his parents
that he couldn't live with them anymore. He moved in with his grandmother,
who lived in another neighborhood in Brooklyn, New York. The adults
stayed in close touch, relaying information about what my friend
was doing. Three weeks later, tired of the long commute to his high
school and in need of some fresh clothes, my friend returned home.
His adventure of moving to his grandmother's apartment was simply
a break he needed from the pressures of his family life. In retrospect,
he sees that experience, as well as the other times he spent away
from his parents during various summers, as important steps to toward
maturity. (Indeed, a few years ago his wife's 14-year-old niece
moved in with them for a few weeks so that she could see what life
was like outside of her hometown.)
It's common for adolescents to look for ways to explore who they
are and to see how they fit into the world. The timing may reflect
biological changes in their brains, for they can now think differently
than they did only a year or two earlier. They can readily imagine
new solutions to problems or different approaches to challenging
situations. Their world is no longer black-and-white, but a complex
mosaic of grays. An explosion in the possibilities they can envision
for their lives calls them to reexamine their sense of identity
and whom they might become. They can picture themselves, often for
the first time, as independent from their parents.
For many, spending time away from their immediate families is
a normal and appropriate way of testing their new ways of thinking
and of forming relationships. These children are very different
from runaways, whose dramatic actions often point to serious underlying
emotional problems for them or their families.
One way of differentiating the two is to ask yourself why the
adolescent is leaving home. Is he running away from issues such
as how he should deal with authority, or is this a mature decision
to move out because he needs a different environment at that moment
in order to grow emotionally?
These excursions are psychological as well as physical, whether
they take place in a structured summer program or through an informal
stay with a relative or a friend's parents. They allow the teenager
to shed the mantle of the past and to try on new roles and styles
of relationships.
It also helps to have a historical perspective on this. Although
today's families assume it to be normal, the idea of children living
with their parents until they are eighteen is quite new. As recently
as a century ago, when few teenagers attended high school, adolescents
from all social classes were routinely placed with family members
or even strangers when they reached puberty. Earlier generations
did it at even younger ages. In the seventeenth century, children
were often sent to learn a trade and live in other people's homes
when they were about ten or eleven.
In those days, the reasons for leaving one's parents were more
likely to be economic than psychological. For most families, adolescence
was a time for work. Even those teenagers who went to school usually
lived far from home.
Deciding to Move Out
Try not to overreact if your teenager says that he wants to live
somewhere else. Listen to your child before you speak. Keep in mind
that your goals are to understand the reasons behind your child's
request and to find safe and appropriate ways to meet his needs.
Here are some specific suggestions:
- Remember that children at different stages of adolescence have
different emotional needs. Sometimes those needs can be met without
the child's spending time away from home. For example, twelve-
and thirteen-year-olds are usually struggling with issues of control
over their own lives. They're more interested in being able to
exercise that control by making decisions than in what or how
important those decisions are.
For example, a twelve-year-old who announces that he can't stand
living at home may be upset over the fact that his bedtime hasn't
changed in two years, or that his parents insist that he start
his homework as soon as he comes home from school. By letting
him negotiate a new bedtime or giving him more control of his
schedule (within reason, of course), you may be able to defuse
the situation quickly.
Children in late adolescence (roughly ages sixteen to eighteen)
are more interested in the types of decisions they're allowed
to make. They're concerned about their future, not just rebelling
against their parents.
A sixteen-year-old might need a safe way to testing what it would
be like to live away from home, if only for a few days or weeks.
He won't express that need in those words, of course. By recognizing
that need, you can help your child test his independence in safe
and appropriate ways.
- Help your child plan his time away from home. This gives him
the message that you have faith in his maturity—something
most adolescents are desperate to hear. It also help you ensure
that his plans are reasonable and safe.
Explore alternatives, such as spending some time with a relative
or taking part in a supervised summer work project. Discuss other
options, such as spending several weekends away instead of the
same number of days in a row.
- Stay in close touch with the people your child will stay with.
Explain any special concerns you may have. If the stay is for
more than a few days, agree on ways to communicate regularly with
both those adults and your child.
- Let go. Remember that the more resistant you are to your child's
emotional growth, the more of a struggle it will become. Some
parents have a very difficult time giving their adolescents enough
opportunities to make their own decisions. Being too restrictive
can provoke the rebellious and possibly dangerous behaviors you're
trying to avoid.
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