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Perhaps the most important thing parents can do to help their children
handle overnight separations is to prepare them for the experience.
Remember, there are many things that you take for granted that a
three-year-old might wonder about and be afraid to question. ("Yes,
they have bathrooms. No, you won't have to sleep outside in the
cold.")
Here are a few hints for making the experience go smoothly for
everyone, whether your child is staying at home or somewhere else:
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Give your child practice separating from you during the day
and evening. While most toddlers and preschoolers feel comfortable
with this, some do not. If necessary, start by leaving your
child with a neighbor for five minutes during the day. (The
parent of another young child is likely to be willing to do
this if you reciprocate.) Once your child is comfortable with
that, extend the length of time you're gone and try it during
the evening, which is always a more difficult time for young
children.
If your child cries and screams during this brief separation,
it's important that you not accidentally reinforce her behavior
by coming back while she's still upset. One way is to telephone
your neighbor before returning to make sure she's calmed down.
(The crying usually stops less than a minute after you've gone
out the door.) Also remember not to make a big deal out of leaving,
which will only raise her anxieties. Be as matter-of-fact as
you can when you say that you'll be back.
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Be encouraging when you talk about spending the night apart.
Talk about all the other scary things that she did for the first
time that turned out just fine, such as starting preschool or
going swimming. Predict success rather than difficulty. Also
plan a small reunion celebration so that your child knows you're
not abandoning her. This emphasizes the continuation of your
relationship, not the separation.
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Limit the number of surprises. Remember that children are
more sensitive to small changes when they're under stress. If
your child will be sleeping away from home, try to let her visit
the place ahead of time. Anything you can do to increase your
child's familiarity with what will happen to her will help her
adjustment.
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Pay attention to your own attitude before the separation.
Many adults mentally distance themselves from their children
several days before departure as they become preoccupied with
the trip. Children may pick up the subtle changes in their parents'
behaviors and wonder if they've done something wrong or if the
parent will ever come back.
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Develop rituals around your departure and your return. These
may be as simple as showing a picture of where you'll be or
having ice-cream cones the evening before you leave. This makes
it easier for your child the next time you go on a trip.
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Have your children maintain as many daily rituals as possible.
When one parent is away, try not to change where and when the
family eats and what the children do during the day. One study
that compared children who continued to attend their regular
preschools with those who, because of transportation problems,
stayed at home while a parent was away on business. Those who
stayed at home took a longer time to recuperate emotionally
and physically from the separation.
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Record a few of your child's favorite bedtime stories or songs
on tape. The advantages of these recordings go beyond the obvious.
They give your child symbolic control of your presence. If your
toddler needs to hear more of your voice for reassurance, the
tape can simply be rewound and replayed.
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Construct a calendar. By coloring in one box every night,
your child can have a better idea of how long you'll be gone
and when you'll return. Of course, you don't have to be literal
about a paper calendar. A friend of mine used to give your four-year-old
daughter a chewable calendar. Before she left on a business
trip, she would put bubble gum on the living-room mantle—the
number of pieces equaled the number of nights she'd be away.
Her daughter got to chew one piece every evening. When she finished
the last one, she knew her mother would be back the next day.
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Bring back a memento. Better yet, bring back several. (Remember
that to toddlers and preschoolers, quantity is more important
and more impressive than quality.) These need not be expensive.
In fact, young children love those free promotional postcards
hotels give their guests since they allow them to see where
their parent was staying.
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Plan on spending extra time with your children within a day
of your return. Children will often crave additional attention
and cuddling immediately. If possible, try not to push yourself
too hard during your last half-day or so of traveling. That
will allow you to reconnect with your child more easily.
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