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A few years ago, while preparing a television report on perfectionism
in children, a photographer and I followed a five-year-old boy who
was, to put it mildly, very easily frustrated. We videotaped him
as he tried to build a house of out some small, interlocking plastic
bricks. A few of the bricks stuck together. Instead of putting those
bricks aside or incorporating them into his building, he threw a
kicking, screaming tantrum.
The boy was a perfectionist. Like others with that trait, he lived
in a frightening and frustrating world of absolutes. Anything he
did had to be "just so," or it was a failure and, by extension,
he was a failure, too.
A typical elementary school class contains one or two children
who are perfectionists—although few show the extreme behaviors
of the child we videotaped. These are the children who get upset
if their school papers are messy. If they make a mistake, they might
insist on starting over. Unfortunately, this only increases their
anxiety and, consequently, the likelihood that they'll make more
errors.
In the early grades they may be hesitant to try new skills or games,
fearful that they will not be able to master them quickly enough
to meet their personal standards. Sometimes they are reluctant to
write the alphabet for fear of getting it wrong. When they read
aloud their voices are hesitant. They have difficulty playing with
other children because their friends may not want to abide by the
same rules.
In the later grades, perfectionistic children may be chronic procrastinators,
who avoid working on homework assignments until the last minute.
Some of these perfectionists get excellent—even perfect—grades
in school. Others do consistently poorly and work well below their
intellectual abilities.
Therein lies the paradox of perfectionism. There's a perverse feeling
of safety that comes from not studying for an imminent exam or not
writing a book report until the evening before it's due. The child
perfectionist feels that such work cannot be considered a true measure
of his abilities. The incompleteness of his efforts allows him the
fantasy that he could have done it perfectly if he'd only had the
time. By not starting in a timely fashion, he puts off facing his
fear.
We can see this in other realms of children's lives as well. Young
girls who have eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia are
almost always perfectionists. They are in search of the perfect
but unattainable body. As with all perfectionists, success is illusory.
Perfectionism tends to run in families, although we don't know
whether it's caused by genes, the family environment, or some combination
of factors. When I produced the videotape I mentioned earlier, I
interviewed the five-year-old boy's mother. I asked her if anyone
else in her family was a perfectionist. She thought long and hard
about her answer before telling me that her father was a perfectionist
and so was her brother. I asked her if, perhaps, she was a perfectionist.
Again, she pondered the question before answering. No, she told
me, she wasn't good enough at it to be a perfectionist!
HELPING A CHILD WHO HAS TO GET
EVERYTHING RIGHT
Many parents have mixed feelings about their children's perfectionistic
tendencies—especially if they share that predisposition. After
all, we want our children to aspire to excellence. Besides, not
all children who are concerned with details are perfectionists.
One sign of a potential problem is if your child is chronically
worried either about what she does or whether she'll be accepted
by friends. Another sign of trouble is if she wants to stop, but
can't. If either of these is true, it's a good idea to seek help
from a child psychologist or psychiatrist. With these children,
parents are seldom effective working alone. The emotional ties between
you and your child are too strong.
But for those children who seem just a bit too perfectionistic
for their own good, there are some things you can do to help:
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Talk to a children's librarian about books for your child
that deal with perfectionism. There are quite a few, each of
which is tailored to a particular age. (One of my favorites
for school-age children is Be a Perfect Person in Just Three
Days by Stephen Manes.) The stories can help your child get
a better perspective on her feelings.
-
Work with your child on study skills. Some young children,
faced with their first book report, feel overwhelmed by the
amount of organization the task requires. Everything seems equally
important. Teach your child how to break an assignment down
into its components and how to plan a schedule for completing
it in manageable doses. That may give her the sense of control
that she needs.
-
Talk about some of your own fears and failures, both as an
adult and as a child. Remember that young children tend to idealize
their parents. Some may even assume that you've never made a
mistake. One of the disadvantages of this naïve belief
is that your child may assume that she's not allowed to be imperfect.
By talking about the time you failed a spelling test, lost a
job or came in last in a race, you'll help her gain the realization
that she, too, can make mistakes and survive them.
-
Pay extra attention during significant changes in your child's
life. Children with a tendency toward perfectionism often get
particularly frustrated after a move to a new school or neighborhood.
They don't know exactly what the new people in their lives expect
of them. This is a time for additional reassurance.
-
Look at your own perfectionistic behavior. Remember that children
develop many of their attitudes and assumptions by watching
their parents in ordinary situations. If you get upset over
small problems or insist that things be done on a rigid timetable,
those behaviors will outweigh anything you say to your child
about how she should be calm and flexible.
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