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In the aftermath of the attacks on the World Trade Center and the
Pentagon, some colleagues at Massachusetts General Hospital and
I put together a few guidelines for parents on helping children
cope with these ongoing events.
Here are some excerpts from those guidelines that give you specific
things you should look for and can do to help your children.
All Ages:
Children need to have answers to three fundamental questions:
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Am I safe?
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Are you, the people who take care of me, safe?
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How will these events affect my daily life?
It's important to provide answers to these questions, even if your
children don't put them into words. You should expect to answer
these questions several times over the next few weeks. Keeping as
normal a schedule as possible will help reassure your children as
well.
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Children may be upset at the images of mourning friends and
family members. Often this will make them concerned about the
safety of their own family. It's important to reassure children
that you're doing everything you can to stay safe so that you
can take care of them.
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Share your feelings with your children. Let them know that
it's OK to be frightened or sad or angry—that's part of
being human.
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While you should try to answer your children's questions at
a level they can understand, remember that you don't have to
have an immediate answer for everything. Some questions don't
have any good answers.
Infants, Toddlers and Preschoolers:
Very young children are more disturbed by their parents' and caregivers'
distress than by the actual events. That's why they're comforted
more by your actions than your words.
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Expect young children to regress emotionally a bit. They may
become clingy or whiny, have difficulty sleeping or start wetting
their beds. The more patient and reassuring you are, the more
quickly this will pass.
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Spend extra time hugging and cuddling with your child. This
will reassure both of you. Your child may want to sleep in your
bed. That's OK, especially at times like this.
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If you wish to watch or listen to news coverage of the aftermath
of the attack, do so while your very young children are not
in the room. They do not yet have the ability to put the frightening
images that they see into perspective.
School-Age Children:
Encourage children this age to share their feelings and concerns
with you. Reports of the recovery of bodies may frighten them, even
though they may be afraid or embarrassed to admit it. Let them know
that it's all right for them to be upset, and that you'll do everything
you can to protect them from harm.
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Remember that children often work through emotional issues
with play instead of words. Don't be surprised if your children
use toys to replay the images of destruction that they've seen
or imagined. This is healthy. It can also give you insights
into their fears and misunderstandings.
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If your children's play seems "stuck" in one scenario-they
repeat the same event over and over-offer some suggestions for
change. Even something as simple as, "Maybe the rescue
workers can use shovels to help the people escape" can
allow children to come to terms with their fears.
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If your children are watching or listening to news reports
of the aftermath, be in the room so that you can answer questions
and clarify things. Use some of the reports to ask their opinions
and trigger discussions.
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Let younger children know that even though they've seen TV
images of plane crashes and explosions dozens of times over
many days, they each happened only once and on one day.
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Expect your children to ask the same questions several times.
Be patient. Remember that by asking the questions, they're telling
you that they trust you.
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Remind your children that there are many, many more good people
in the world than there are bad people; and that the good people
will try to take care of them and protect them.
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Let your children participate in efforts to make things better.
That might include raising and sending money to relief efforts,
helping in community activities, or sending a note, card or
drawing to rescue workers.
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Help your children get back to "business as usual."
Keeping a normal schedule will reassure them.
Teenagers:
Many adolescents are scared. That's because they're old enough
to understand the implications of what happened last week. They
wonder what this means for the lives that they'll live as young
adults. They're also struggling with questions about justice, power
and control-issues that directly relate to last week's events.
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Let your teenagers listen in as you discuss both events and
feelings with other adults. If they join in, welcome their participation
even if you disagree with what they're saying. Simply talking
will help them to put their concerns into perspective.
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Be with them when they watch TV news reports of the aftermath.
Comment on what you're seeing, and listen openly to their comments
as well.
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Sometimes it's easier for teens to talk about disturbing things
if they don't have to look you in the face. That's why some
of the best discussions take place while you're doing something
else, such as playing a game, driving in the car or doing household
chores.
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Share your feelings with them. This gives adolescents permission
to do the same with you.
Most children will cope with the support and understanding of their
parents, teachers, coaches, friends and clergy. Some, who may be
vulnerable because of previous personal experiences, may need special
attention from a school counselor or family pediatrician.
These are stressful days for all of us. It is a time for being
together rather than isolated. We all need to share our feelings
and concerns with others—family members, neighbors and friends.
As a community, we can help each other get through this.
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