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Parents often feel ambivalent about their children's growing requests
for privacy. On the one hand, it's a sign of the children's increased
social and emotional maturity. On the other hand, it can be a painful
barrier to communication.We can see a child's growth in several
areas by how he's likely to respond to the common question, "What
did you do in school today?" If you ask a four-year-old preschooler,
he won't be able to give you a coherent answer. The problem isn't
attitude; it's cognitive development. He simply doesn't yet have
the skills to organize his experiences so that he can tell you extemporaneously
how he spent his time. Yet if you ask him if he had story time,
ate lunch or sang songs, he's easily able to answer each of those
questions.
A twelve-year-old will do a much better job of recalling and reciting
his day. His brain has developed sufficiently that he can organize
and prioritize his experiences--even if his priorities aren't the
same as yours. But this is also an age at which it is common for
children to begin to feel that their parents' questions are a bit
intrusive.
Parents of preadolescents face a delicate balancing act as they
try to stay aware of what their children are doing and feeling,
remain open to their children's sometimes awkward or unclear requests
for guidance and, at the same time, respect their privacy. It's
important to remember that respecting a growing child's privacy
doesn't mean losing touch with what is happening in that child's
life.
In fact, not allowing a child enough privacy can foster some of
the things that parents are probably trying to prevent. Parents
who are too intrusive can leave their children searching for new
opportunities in which they have at least an illusion of exercising
control, such as experimenting with drugs or sex.
Here are some things that can help strike the right balance between
privacy and open communication:
- Talk about privacy as a privilege, not a right. As with all
privileges, it comes with responsibilities. ("If you want
to keep your room more private, then you'll have to make your
own bed in the morning so that I don't have to come in as often.")
Remind your children that even you have people--such as your employer
and the Internal Revenue Service--checking whether you really
did what you said you did.
- Make communication a two-way street. Remember that preadolescents
are looking for a more balanced relationship with their parents
that recognizes how they are maturing. The more you share your
thoughts and feelings with your children, the more your children
will do it with you. This doesn't mean you have to schedule formal
"board meetings" with your kids. Often these exchanges
are best done while puttering around the kitchen or watching a
basketball game.
- Remember that preadolescents desperately want to talk to their
parents or some other adults about the things they're doing and
feeling. They just feel awkward and easily threatened--especially
if you approach them with all the tact of a can opener cutting
open a can of peaches. They'll share much more with you if you
take an easygoing approach. Keep in mind that the first issue
a child raises with you may not be what's really bothering or
worrying her. It's often simply a way of testing the waters to
see what sort of mood you're in and how judgmental you'll be.
- Restrain yourself from making quick comments, compliments, criticisms
and evaluations. Too early a response is often interpreted as
insincere or intrusive. Instead, just listen and ask for clarification
when necessary. Most important, pay full attention to your child
when she's talking to you about her life. If she sense you're
not really listening, she'll stop sharing. That doesn't mean that
you have to drop whatever you're doing and stare at her intently.
In fact, focusing on her too much will probably make her feel
self-conscious and reluctant to talk. There are advantages to
having heart-to-heart talks while peeling potatoes. A good rule
of thumb is that any activity during such important conversations
should be relatively mindless. Your child knows that you can't
read the newspaper and listen to her at the same time.
- Maintain family rituals, such as having dinner together, as
a way of staying in touch with what everyone is doing and feeling.
Children--including adolescents--thrive on this type of family
predictability, even if they carp about it. It gives them a sense
of belonging, and provides a feeling of stability while so much
in their lives is changing.
- Look for ways to help your children get the privacy they need.
This may be especially important if two or more of them share
a bedroom. Some families set up a schedule of when siblings who
share a room can have it to themselves. Encourage brothers and
sisters to respect each other's requests for privacy.
- Remember that your responsibilities as a parent are more important
than your child's desire for privacy. It's important to respect
your child's nature desire to keep some things to himself. But
if you believe that your child is in trouble with drugs or the
law, for example, you have an obligation to intervene.
Signs of trouble include a significant drop in grades, a change
in the types of friends with whom your child spends time, or the
unexplained appearance of relatively expensive clothes or other
possessions. If you feel you must check your child's room or check
his mail, do so while he is there and explain why you're doing it.
Talk about why you're concerned. That will help keep the conversation
on the more important issues instead of just that of privacy.
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