Being rejected is an integral part of growing up. No child escapes
the occasional brisk slap of exclusion from a group. For those children
whose long-standing reputations proclaim that they do not fit in,
the painful sting of rejection comes often. It may permeate their
views of themselves and lead to problems during adolescence and
adulthood.
An occasional rejection of a child by classmates is usually nothing
to be concerned about. One study of third graders showed that about
half the children who were rejected by their peers were able to
correct the problem by the following year. However, when the child
talks for several months about being taunted or ignored, it is usually
time for outside help, for such chronic rejection can lead to more
serious difficulties.
Studies at Vanderbilt University in Nashville have found that
by the time children are eight years old, about 8 percent of boys
and 3 percent of girls are socially rejected by their peers. Such
chronic rejection is usually associated with behavior problems and
is a good predictor of a variety of later antisocial problems, such
as juvenile delinquency, dropping out of school, and criminality
in adulthood.
Although aggressiveness is the most common reasons children develop
bad reputations and are rejected, it is by no means the only one.
Even among those children who are described by their classmates
as aggressive, studies show that only about one in three is highly
disliked. Why are some children accepted by their peers while others
gain bad reputations and are shunned? The common denominator is
the lack of positive social skills, such as how to initiate and
maintain relationships and how to resolve conflicts with other children.
The most common approach to helping children change their reputations
is to train them in new and effective social skills. Individual
coaching and supervised practice in such fundamental techniques
as sharing, waiting their turn in line, playing according to rules,
and responding appropriately to teasing are often effective in helping
rejected children gain acceptance. Sometimes, however, even such
new behaviors are not enough to change long-established reputations.
If children see someone they think is a bully who is acting kindly,
they don't think, "Gee, that kid isn't a bully anymore."
Instead, they look for things that match their preconception. Experiments
at Waterloo University in Ontario in which children had to make
judgments of their peers support this conclusion. Students in the
second, fifth, and tenth grades were told a story in which a classmate
did something bad to them, such as making fun of them when they
dropped their books. Half the time the classmate was someone the
students liked; the rest of the time it was someone the students
said they didn't like.
Students in all three grades were more likely to give the child
they liked the benefit of the doubt. If it was someone they liked,
they explained the behavior by saying things like, "He wasn't
trying to make me feel bad. He was trying to cheer me up."
If it was someone they disliked, they were more likely to say, "He
was doing it to be mean. He's always mean," even though the
behavior was exactly the same.
When your child is rejected:
Your nine-year-old comes home in tears. After going through a
dozen tissues and a half dozen cookies, he recounts how the other
kids called him a jerk and won't play with him. How should you handle
the situation?
First and foremost, don't overreact. Even though your child is
in no condition to believe this, you should remember that most of
these situations are short-lived. Simply acknowledging that it hurts
to be treated that way and restating your love and support will
often take away most of the emotional sting. (The cookies help,
too.)
Although it's awfully tempting, don't try to be a public relations
agent for your child by taking the other children aside and telling
them that they're being unfair, even if the rejection has gone on
for several weeks. Such an approach is often useless at best and
counterproductive at worst. It gives the children yet another reason
to reject your child. Remember that this isn't a court of law. You
don't have to disprove the other children's allegations.
Instead, look at the occurrence as a sign that your child could
use some help with the skills needed to make friends. Surprisingly,
it's sometimes as simple a matter as your child not seeing you having
fun with your friends, so he doesn't have any models at home to
guide him. Some schools and many child guidance centers offer programs
that help children learn and practice such friendship-building skills
as sharing feelings and cooperating. School activities, such as
theater projects or groups presentations in which children rely
on each other rather than compete, can be very helpful. You can
reinforce these new cooperative behaviors by praising your children
effusively when you see them trying out these skills. Don't worry
for the moment about whether they are doing them well. It's more
important that they simply try these new approaches to relating
to other children.
Even so, well-established reputations are difficult to change,
especially when a child tries out these new behaviors on more than
one child at a time. Often the changes are ignored, the child becomes
frustrated and lapses into old patterns, and the rejection continues.
Remember that it's usually easier for a child to break through rejection
and establish one-on-one relationships than it is to enter a larger
social group. Having classmates come over individually to play is
more likely to change the perceptions of the group and less likely
to be frustrating.
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