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I've always found it useful to remember that, from a child's perspective,
a lie is simply the best solution to a problem that he can come
up with at that moment. The real challenge for the parents of chronic
liars isn't spotting the lies, but finding the underlying issues
and helping the child learn different and more appropriate responses.
Here are some ideas that may help:
- Ask yourself if you've giving your child permission to tell
the truth. Remember that children most often lie to avoid punishment.
What does your child think you'll do if he tells you what really
happened?
Even though, as adults, we can't be forced to testify against
ourselves in a court of law, we routinely ask our children to
do just that. Children often tell psychologists and teachers
that they felt guilty and wanted to tell their parents what
they had done, but they saw that their parents were in a bad
mood when they came home, and worried about the punishment they
might receive if they didn't lie.
One way to encourage your children to tell you the truth is
to focus your responses on their specific behaviors (breaking
that heirloom vase) rather than on their characters ("You
never listen to me when I tell you not to play ball in the house!").
Give them a chance to make appropriate amends when they've done
something wrong so that they don't feel that they'll be punished
forever if they tell you the truth.
- Look for patterns in lying as clues to what's really going on.
These patterns can be in the situations where children lie, as
well as the content of those lies. For example, you should be
more concerned if your child routinely lies in several settings,
such as in school or with friends, as well as at home. A child
who has problems with self-esteem is more likely to lie in a variety
of situations, but a child who's afraid of punishment will lie
mostly to the people he's afraid of.
- Remember that lying is an act that involves at least two people,
not just your child. If you want your child to stop lying to you,
you'll have to change as well. Ask yourself if your own patterns
of lying have given your child the message that it's all right
for him to lie.
Have the restrictions you've placed on your children's activities
changed as they're gotten older? For example, a child in late
elementary school will want more control over how he spends
his weekly allowance than younger children do. Let's say that
you don't want him to "waste his money" on comic books.
If you later ask him how he got the Spider Man comic that's
in his room, he'll probably lie.
The most realistic solution to the problem is to let him buy
the comics. This is an important way of recognizing that he's
growing up. Besides, buying comics is pretty innocuous and is
probably even beneficial; it's a much better choice than spending
his allowance on cigarettes, alcohol, or illegal drugs-substances
that are increasingly used by school-age children. Besides,
kids are less likely to ask to do really outrageous things if
you've allowed them to do at least a few semi-outrageous things.
- Don't tempt your child to lie. If you know your child forgot
to feed the dog, don't ask him if he did so. If your child begins
by lying to you, don't let him continue and dig himself in deeper.
Instead, stop him and let him know that you know he's lying.
Remember that it's better to assume the role of an educator
than the role of a police officer. Help your child learn how
to accomplish what he wants without lying to do so. Show him
how he might tell you the truth. 9While this may be obvious
to you, it may not be to him.) Explain that telling you what
really happened offers him a chance to correct the situation
at least partway. If all children learn is that they'll be punished
when you catch them lying, they'll simply become better liars.
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