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Children's literature is filled with romantic portrayals of children who run or live away from home. Huck Finn sets off for adventure on his raft. Pippi Longstocking travels happily with her animal friends. What child could pass up such wonderful opportunities?
The realities of life on the street are not the least bit romantic. But to a teenager who feels trapped and rejected, running away may feel like the only option.
The U. S. government estimates that up to 1.5 million American children runaway from home each year. About 200,000 are on the streets at any one time. The most common age for running away is 16 years old.
Studies of teenage runaways show that about half return home within 24 hours. Most of the others come back within two or three days. Only a small proportion stay away longer. It's these children who are in the most danger.
Threatening to run away is often a call for help. It's a way of expressing a problem that the child is having trouble talking about directly. Preadolescents and adolescents are less reliant on their parents for basic needs. That means that their threats to leave home can be carried out more easily. Even when they don't leave, children who make threats are giving you important information about how they feel and the limited options they see. Their threats can serve as a springboard for discussing those emotions and searching for additional options.
Among those teenagers who run way repeatedly, a significant proportion appear to be trying to escape some sort of abuse by adults. Research by Dr. Mark-David Janus, a Paulist priest and a clinical psychologist at Indiana University Medical School, has found that 73 percent of chronic runaways said they had been physically beaten and 51 percent said they had been sexually abused. (Bear in mind that because these were children who had run away several times and who had sought help at a children's shelter, those percentages are higher than they would be for the general population of runaways.)
More common for first-time runaways and those who threaten to leave are feelings that they are no longer respected or even wanted. They feel their parents are unwilling to listen to them and to acknowledge how they are changing. Running away is, in their eyes, a way to simultaneously show their independence and regain their parents' attention.
Many of these children see their parents as having high expectations for them and very rigid rules, but not giving them the emotional support they need. What parents intend as protective acts, such as setting rules about how late their children can stay out, these adolescents interpret as rejection.
Remember that if they could see an alternative, these children wouldn't want to leave home. They want their relationship with their parents to be different. Running away is an impulsive, emotional solution to their problem of not seeing any other way to change the ways they relate to their parents.
So, what should you do if your child threatens to run away? Most of these threats occur in the middle of an argument between teens and their parents. It's a time when neither side is likely to be thinking clearly or looking beyond the moment. If your child does say she wants to leave, here are some ways of analyzing and approaching the problem:
- Take seriously--but not literally--what your child says. Almost all children will talk about running away at some point. Sometimes young children will use such a threat to express anger at you or as a way of testing whether you love them. Let your child know that you can see she's very upset. Tell her that you love her even when she gets angry or sad. Simply acknowledging her feelings will often allow her to talk about the underlying problem.
- Recognize that a threat to run away is a sign of a communication problem at the very least. Help your child articulate her complaints. Listen without cutting her off. If you approach your conversation honestly and with good intentions, that will encourage your child to do the same.
- Never dare your child to make good on her threat. Remember that running away from home is usually an impulsive act. Don't tease her by packing her bags or telling her to leave. That's humiliating and scary.
With a preteen or a younger child, you can say something like, "Listen, I'm not going to let you run away. It's not safe." That simple statement usually answers her unasked questions about whether you love and value her.
With an older child, you should take a slightly different approach. Begin by stating that you want her to live at home. Give your reasons for wanting that. Let her know that if she leaves home, you're going to look for her. Then you can talk about the things that are bothering her, and look for ways to address them. Those opening statements give an adolescent the recognition she craves of her improved ability to think and solve problems, and reassures her that you care about what happens to her.
- Don't feel you have to handle the problem yourself. It's often helpful to have an experienced psychotherapist or counselor act as an intermediary. It's much easier for a teenager to hear criticism from an outside adult. That therapist also becomes an advocate for the child in setting appropriate family rules that recognize both her growth and her limitations.
- Look for a safety valve. Sometimes children (and their parents as well) need a cooling-off period. If a child is threatening to run away, consider arranging a place for her to run to, where she can be with a surrogate parent, such as an aunt or grandparent. Don't simply let her run off to be with a friend; that suggests that you feel she no longer needs the support and protection of adults. If you work with your child on planning some time apart, she's less likely to see your actions as a rejection than if you simply send her away.
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