One of the first signs that children are having difficulty with
their self-concepts is a concern over some physical attribute. Almost
all children, at some point, say that they don't like something
about the way they look. "My nose is too big!" "I
wish my ears didn't stick out!" "I'm too fat!" Why
does the same nose that a parent finds cute loom so large in a teenager's
mirror? Why do children choose a particular time to say something
about them is wrong and should be fixed?
There are times when children's statements that they are fat or
ugly are obvious cries for reassurance that they are worthy of love
and that their roles in the family are safe. But often there is
a hidden message. Rejecting their physical appearance may be a safe
way for children to explain to themselves some larger problems in
their lives.
One of the most common triggers for self-deprecating comments is
the divorce of the child's parents. A young child is likely to assume
that if his parents split up, it must be because there's something
wrong with him. While some children will talk in terms of "never
being a bad boy again," for others the thought that they might
have been able to prevent the breakup is too threatening.
They are caught in a double bind. Since they believe that the divorce
is their fault, they have failed. If they could have done something
to stop it yet did not, they have failed even more miserably. They
therefore decide that although they were responsible for their parents'
divorce, it was for reasons they could not control: they were too
short or too ugly or had red hair. Parents who readily dismiss such
apparently outlandish claims by their children are often accidentally
reinforcing the very thing the children fear most: that they are
both culpable and powerless.
Such self-deprecating statements may also reflect the way children
interpret how their parents view themselves. Pediatricians and psychiatrists
regularly report seeing children who are not obese, but who believe
they are too fat. Often these children come from families in which
one or both parents are concerned about their own weight.
The children have simply internalized the parents' concern as
a normal state of affairs and have accepted it as what they should
be feeling. "Adults say they want to lose weight. If I say
that I want to lose weight, then people will view me as more of
an adult."
Parents' offhand comments like, "I can't do anything with
my hair!" "I can't go out without my makeup on!"
or "You have to be tough to survive in this world!" may
have the same effect, especially since children often interpret
such comments literally and without the cultural assumptions adults
bring to understanding them. (Financial writer Andrew Tobias recounts
how he earnestly told a preschooler, "It's a dog-eat-dog world
out there," only to have the child beam with delight as he
repeated the words he though he heard: "It's a doggy-dog world!
It's a doggy-dog world!")
Among older children and teenagers, self-deprecating comments may
be a sign that they are uncomfortable with something they're feeling
that's completely unrelated to what they're saying; they don't know
how to handle these strong and often conflicting emotions. Rather
than express their discomfort or confusion directly, they turn it
inward. Their frightening feelings become transposed onto their
faces or bodies. It is easier for a teenager to say and, more important,
easier to believe that his nose is ugly than to admit the "ugly"
feelings of anger he has toward someone else.
Here are some guidelines to help children who complain that they
are unattractive:
-
Recognize that many children won't tell their parents when
they feel ugly or inept out of fear that their parents will
agree with those conclusions. When children make self-disparaging
statements to their parents, it usually means that they're ready
to talk about other things that are bothering them as well.
-
Begin by accepting your child's feelings rather than refuting
them. If you say, "That's ridiculous! You're beautiful!"
the child will probably stop talking and shut you out of his
or her emotions. Although the aim of such comments is to make
the child feel better, by unintentionally belittling the child's
emotions, parents may give a message that the child interprets
as meaning that even her most heartfelt and painful emotions
are not recognized by her parents.
-
On the other hand, don't agree with the child too quickly.
If a boy complains that his nose is too large, replying that
he can have it fixed when he gets a bit older will simply reinforce
his belief that there's something fundamentally wrong with him.
Instead of making the child feel better, it makes him feel terrible.
Think of it this way: If a child said he though he wasn't lovable,
what parent would respond by saying, "Let's wait a few
years and then see if we can do something to make you more lovable"?
-
Ask your child why his or her ears or nose or weight is a
problem. Did someone say so? Has the child just been rejected
for something else? Is the child anxious about a coming event
like a school dance? Often simply allowing children to express
their feelings—without your trying to fix the problem—is
enough to make the concern go away.
-
There are some adolescents who have valid concerns about their
looks and for whom cosmetic surgery can make a significant difference
in the way they perceive themselves. The problem is determining
ahead of time which children will benefit. One clue appears
to be how realistic the child is about the short-term physical
and social changes expected from an operation. A child who believes
that a reshaped nose by itself will bring new popularity may
develop more serious self-image problems if this unrealistic
goal is not instantly achieved.
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