Infants and toddlers are lucky they don't judge themselves by the
standards of adults. Would adults keep trying to learn a new language
if, after months of work, they couldn't say a single word? How many
of us would simply smile and pick ourselves up after waddling headfirst
into the leg of a chair?
A child's first three years are laced with more failure than he
would emotionally tolerate by the time he is five. That change is
marked by the child's development of a self-concept—labels
and feelings that quickly become as much a part of the child's identity
as his name. It is an image of himself that the child will carry
into adulthood.
One of the first tasks in forming that self-concept is differentiating
between doing something badly and being someone bad. It is a learned
skill that is hindered or helped by how parents talk to their children.
Some studies indicate that it is more difficult for young girls
to make this distinction than it is for young boys.
This sex difference appears to continue into adulthood. Interviewed
about their activities and emotions, women report feeling more shame
(a judgment of themselves) and men report feeling more guilt (a
judgment of their behavior) when describing things they've done
wrong.
There's some evidence that part of that difference between the
sexes may be traced back to the way their parents talked to them
before they were three years old. Developmental psychologists at
the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School in New Jersey have noted
that parents who are helping their toddlers tend to use different
words when talking to boys than when talking to girls.
The comments to their sons were mostly about the task—statements
like "good job" or "I like the way you put that piece
into the puzzle." Daughters, however, were more often told
things like, "You're such a good girl!"—evaluations
of them as people rather than comments on what they did. Other studies
have shown that teachers often unconsciously fall into the same
pattern.
The problem, as far as self-esteem is concerned, is the usefulness
of the information. If you tell me (a child) that I have done something
well or poorly, I can use that information to adjust my behavior
to improve. I can also use that information to reach the conclusion
that I should feel proud of what I've done.
The next time I do that task, whether it is stacking blocks, reading
aloud, or washing my hands before eating dinner, I can evaluate
my own performance and, this time without relying on my parents'
judgment, feel good about what I've done. If I show up next week
for a meal and have dirt on my hands, not only do I know that this
isn't acceptable behavior, but I also know how to correct the situation—and
equally important, I know that I can correct it.
On the other hand, if all you tell me is that I'm a good boy or
a bad boy, I don't know what to repeat or what to change. I am dependent
upon you for evaluations of my work. It's much more difficult for
me to reward myself for a job well done. I must look to outsiders
for their opinions to know how I am doing. I may know that having
dirty hands at the dinner table is wrong, but I don't have the information
to know what's right or whether I can make it right.
This is not to say that parents should never tell their children
that they are good boys or good girls. Quite the contrary. Every
child needs to hear those sweet words. However, it helps to mix
such praise with specific comments about the things children are
doing well, so that they can practice the more sophisticated task
of judging themselves. Keep in mind that it's almost always more
useful for children to hear what they're doing right than what they're
doing wrong.
Another difficulty faced by some children has less to do with the
specific labels they apply to themselves than to the number of those
labels. An active preschooler who is repeatedly told he's a troublemaker
may get caught in the cycle of making trouble for the teacher to
get the attention he needs. It is the only approach he knows will
work. His self-image becomes crystallized around this one aspect
of his behavior.
Studies of children this age conducted at Yale University show
that those who have too limited a range of beliefs about themselves
do not adapt well to elementary school and other new situations.
They have significantly more difficulty learning to read and write
than their classmates do.
Children who have more multifaceted self-images, which may include
believing that they are artistic, inquisitive, funny, and thoughtful
as well as troublemakers, are much more adaptive to change. If something
they try doesn't work in the new situation, they have other approaches
that they feel comfortable using.
Although a four-year-old who keeps telling you that he's a bad
boy is sending clear signals about trouble with his self-concept,
many children give off much more subtle messages. Sometimes the
children who are no problem to their parents should be looked at
more closely. This is especially true if those children are extremely
obedient and have few friends their own age. A good self-concept
allows children to explore the world, risk engaging in conflict
and failing. Children who play it safe by never disobeying or risking
conflict may be telling you that they feel unqualified to face the
world head-on.
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