I remember the combination of fear and embarrassment in the fifteen-year-old
girl’s voice as she told me about what had happened on her
school bus earlier that year. Because she had red hair, several
of the sixth-grade boys who rode the bus started calling her "fire
crotch" as they giggled and snickered among themselves. She
told them to stop, but that apparently only encouraged them.
The girl’s sister, who had overheard the taunts, complained
to the school bus driver, who said that there was nothing she could
do. Her mother spoke to both the bus company and the school principal,
who expressed regret but said they the girl should simply ignore
it.
For several months nothing changed–until the mother started
using the phrase "sexual harassment" in her conversations
with bus company officials. That apparently got their attention.
The boys were assigned to the seat behind the driver and were told
that if they name-calling happened again, they would not be allowed
on the bus.
A generation ago, the behavior of the boys would have been written
off as harmless adolescent teasing. In fact, many mothers and more
than a few fathers can think back and remember something that happened
to them that they may not have thought of as sexual harassment at
the time. Such harassment may prevent children from choosing certain
activities or classes. It may "poison the environment"
and convey the idea that school isn’t a safe or a just place.
Today school officials and parents take harassing behavior much
more seriously, especially after several successful lawsuits stemming
from incidents ranging from name-calling to failure to erase graffiti
on a bathroom wall.
But complaining is often difficult for adolescents–both boys
and girls–even though school policy and federal law are usually
on their side. They worry about being labeled as tattletales or
told that they have not sense of humor. Protesting to the harassers
means that they risk rejection at a time when social acceptance
by peers is often paramount. Complaining to a school official risks
embarrassment over issues that are already sensitive.
Sexual harassment of children by children is also a difficult topic
for parents to discuss. The jump from harmless teasing to harassment
is sometimes not obvious. The difference in status or power between
the abuser and the victim–a hallmark of sexual harassment in
the workplace–is often absent, or at least not as obvious to
adults. It’s easy to brush off the incidents as nothing more
than youthful exuberance. Many parents who would respond strongly
to an adults who’s sexually harassing their child are less
clear as to what they should do if it’s a peer who’s doing
the harassing.
One reason adolescents harass their peers is because of their own
insecurities about sexuality. When it occurs in a group, it has
the function of showing off to other kids that you know something
about sex even though, in reality it shows that you know very little.
(The twelve-year-old who started the taunting on the school bus
was apparently trying to increase his status in front of his classmates
by doing just that.)
Another reason for the harassment is that some of the models for
adult and adolescent relationships that children see and hear on
television, in movies, and in popular music are abusive and exploitative.
To an adolescent, the wide exposure of such relationships in the
mass media creates an aura or normalcy and appropriateness, especially
if the child doesn’t see those actions and attitudes being
questioned and challenged by the adults around her.
That’s why the most important information parents and teachers
can give children who have been sexually harassed by their peers
is that it’s not their fault. They should feel that they deserve
this or that they’ve done something wrong.
Here are some other things adults can do to prevent the problem,
or to handle it once it’s occurred:
- Raise the issue ahead of time with your children, both boys
and girls. Point out incidents of harassment that you see on television
or in real life. Doing so could help your child to put such behavior
into perspective and to know that you disapprove of it. You might
even try role-playing a situation to encourage your children to
think about how they might respond.
- Talk to your child about the difference between flirting and
harassment. Discuss how it feels really different when you get
attention from someone you like (or in a way that you like) versus
when you don’t want the attention.
- Talk about what your children should do if they’re spectators.
Remember that children are more likely to see harassment happening
to someone else than to have it happen to them. Discuss how giggling,
playing along, or even doing nothing can encourage the harassers
to continue. Talk about what they might say to someone who is
harassing a classmate. Remind your children that they don’t
have to intervene themselves if the situation is dangerous, and
that they can and should call over a responsible adult, such as
a teacher.
- Work with your child’s school on developing and enforcing
a formal policy on sexual harassment. Putting the policy in writing
and discussing it with the children lets them know what behaviors
are unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Doing so also helps
victims of harassment feel more comfortable talking to teachers
or school administrators, since a policy would clearly state who
is in the wrong and would give the children a way to make the
harassment stop.
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