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I watched as the five-year-old girl stood near the edge of the
river. She and her father had purchased some bread and were offering
small pieces to the two-dozen seagulls that had flown over for the
feast. The hungry birds faced into the wind with an eye on their
benefactors, seemingly hovering until the girl tossed some bread
into the air. The two or three closest gulls would swoop down and
try to catch the crusts.
One seagull was more aggressive—and more successful—than
the others were, pushing the other birds aside as he dove for the
food. The girl, who was enjoying the sight (and her newfound power)
immensely, suddenly became upset. She scolded the aggressive bird,
using words she had probably heard at home and in school many times:
"You're not sharing!"
We value sharing tremendously in our culture. We associate it with
maturity, empathy, and social competence. Parents talk to their
children about it repeatedly. Preschool teachers constantly remind
children to share, and seek out opportunities for them to practice.
Yet many young children find the concept difficult and confusing.
To understand why, you have to think of sharing from a young child's
point of view.
To toddlers, possession is ten-tenths of the law. Having just mastered
the concept of ownership, they see little reason to relinquish anything.
They do not yet understand that something they give away may be
returned to them. In fact, there are many times when we ask children
to share something when we really mean they should give it away
and not expect it to be returned. When we ask a three-year-old to
share his box of cookies, we each know that he's losing some of
them permanently. This is very different from asking a child to
share his toys.
Although sharing is confusing and upsetting to toddlers, many preschoolers
find it fascinating. When they're left to themselves, their conversations
often focus on who owns what and who will share things. It is an
introduction to the craft of negotiation.
As with younger children, preschoolers are most comfortable sharing
a toy if they do not value it highly. (There are times, however,
when the apparent value of a toy rises dramatically because the
child has been asked to share it. The change may reflect how secure
the child is feeling at that moment.) Also, it is easier to share
a stuffed animal or a puzzle if he can still keep an eye on it or
play with it alongside the borrower. Quantity also plays a role.
A child is much more likely to share a crayon or a toy car if there
are others in the box.
Children this age are very concerned with fairness—which is
generally defined as seeing that no one got more than they did.
(From a preschooler's perspective, if he got more than the other
children did, that would be perfectly fair, too!) If a teacher apportions
blocks to several children so that one group could build a large
castle and the other a small house, they will often check to make
sure the blocks were distributed equally. It does not matter if
one project requires more blocks than the other does. The concept
of sharing according to individual needs is too sophisticated for
most preschoolers.
This natural drive to compare at this age can be seen in other
areas of home life as well. A four-year-old may insist on the same
size portion of dessert as his fifteen-year-old brother, even though
he couldn't possibly finish it. He may become upset if the box his
Christmas or Hanukkah present comes in is smaller than his brother's—even
if the presents are essentially the same.
One way you can see how well two preschoolers understand the concept
of sharing is to present them with a problem to solve. Begin by
placing a large cookie on a plate between them. Tell each child
that the only way she can eat the cookie is if the other child gives
it to her. Many children this age will become stuck, with each insisting
that the other give her the cookie. Only a few will figure out that
they can break the cookie in half and share it.
TEACHING A CHILD TO SHARE:
Sharing takes both practice and comfort. Here are some things you
can do to encourage your children to share:
-
Don't expect too much too early. Remember that when you ask
your child to share a toy, you're really asking him to take
a risk by giving up something that's precious. If you push too
hard, all you're teaching your child is to comply with authority.
-
Play sharing games together. For very young children, you
might want to start by modeling the behavior you want. Give
your toddler a stuffed animal, and then ask for it back. Once
he's comfortable with this, ask him to give you one of his stuffed
animals. Hold on to it for a few seconds, keeping it in plain
sight, before giving it back to him. That gives your child practice
with simple reciprocity and reinforces the notion that something
he shares will not be taken away forever. There's evidence that
some aggressive older children may not have had enough experience
with this type of simple reciprocity. The idea of giving something
up is more threatening to them because they don't truly believe
that they'll get it or something similar in value back.
-
Don't force your child to share everything. Some possessions
are so emotionally laden that they should retain their special
status. Also, don't ask your toddler or preschooler to bring
her favorite toy to school or childcare. Remember that children
in those environments view all toys as common property. Your
child may find it too threatening to have other children insisting
on playing with her most valuable possession.
-
Don't worry if your child occasionally refuses to share. As
with so many things at this age, individual instances are much
less important than a general pattern. It's perfectly normal
for a toddler or preschooler to go through periods of intense
possessiveness, especially if that child is feeling stressed.
But if a child over the age of three never shares his toys,
or always treats such sharing as a traumatic event, it's probably
a sign of severe insecurity about not only what they own, but
where they fit into their family or school.
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