We've all seen the look on the face of a parent whose child has
thrown a full-blown temper tantrum in a public place. The look shows
an awkward combination of frustration, anger, empathy, and embarrassment.
Many parents have told me that they worry about what other adults
will think of them and of their child. Will they be thought of as
inept parents? Will others assume their child is spoiled rotten?
Temper tantrums are among the most frustrating discipline problems
for the parents of toddlers and preschoolers. Usually, they have
nothing to do with how "good" a parent is or whether the
child is spoiled. They are a sign that the child is feeling emotionally
overwhelmed. That's why we tend to see them at certain times (such
as when a child is tired) and in certain situations (when the child
is surrounded by lots of things he wants but can't have).
Almost every child will throw at least one tantrum at this age.
Still, there's tremendous variability in how often those tantrums
will come and how much it takes to trigger them. Even identical
twins often differ in how they throw tantrums, which tells us that
it's not simply a matter of genetics. Some combination of temperament,
other genetic factors, family environment, and possibly even diet
may be involved.
Still, temper tantrums do not occur at random. Understanding that
will help you and your child avoid at least some tantrums. The best
thing you can do is avoid certain situations. Taking your child
to a store when he really needs his afternoon nap is asking for
trouble. So is bringing a child to a toy store, but not buying him
anything.
Remember that children are terribly self-centered (ego-centric)
at this age. You may understand that the two of you have gone in
there to buy a toy for his cousin's birthday. You may even have
received a promise from him that he would behave and not ask for
anything. Most children will agree to these things simply to please
you.
But as many parents have learned, once you get inside a toy store,
all bets are off. The environment is so stimulating and exciting
to your child that he's overwhelmed. He wants to play with and take
home everything in sight. He doesn't understand why his cousin should
get a toy, but he can't! All too often his frustration leads to
a kicking, screaming tantrum.
There are two ways to prevent this. The first is to do your toy
shopping either alone or only in the presence of other adults. The
second is that if your child comes with you, buy something for him
as well. It doesn't have to be the same thing or even the same cost.
Remember that children this age are much more impressed with quantity
than with quality or price. Even though you're buying, let's say,
a five-dollar gift for the cousin, your own preschooler will probably
be more impressed if he gets to bring home two or three 50-cent
gifts for himself.
Tantrums usually go away by the time a child is in early elementary
school. At that point, he's less likely to become tired and easily
overwhelmed during the day. Also, his verbal skills have improved
to the point where he can use more-effective ways of expressing
his frustration and asking for the things he wants.
Taming a Tantrum
It's almost certain that you won't be able to avoid temper tantrums
completely. How you respond to them will largely determine whether
your child calms down quickly and how often he repeats his performance.
Here are some things you can do to deal with the situation and help
your child learn new ways of handling frustration.
-
Relax. I realize that this is more easily said than done,
especially if you're feeling embarrassed or angry. Remember
that all the other parents in the room have had to cope with
their own children's tantrums. They're much more likely to be
empathizing with you than criticizing you. Take a deep breath.
As long as your child is physically safe, there's no need to
rush in immediately. In fact, waiting a few seconds can make
things easier.
-
Take control. Remember that a temper tantrum is a sign that
your child is feeling out of control. If you show your child
that you have control of the situation, it will be easier for
him to calm down. Often the best way to do this is to pick him
up and carry him to a different place. It need not be far away.
If you're in a supermarket, for example, just move him a few
feet down the aisle or into the next aisle, away from the candy
he's demanding.
-
Don't yell at your child. That will only make things worse
for both of you. Try to ignore the tantrum without ignoring
your child. I know this sounds confusing. Keep in mind that
your goal is to have your child feel more in control so that
his tantrum is no longer necessary. Begin by acknowledging how
upset your child is. Try hugging him. Sometimes the physical
restraint that comes with a hug will help a child calm down
more quickly.
-
Don't give in. The worst thing you can do is give a child
something he's throwing a temper tantrum for. Children are smart.
If you give in, they quickly learn that throwing a tantrum is
an effective way of getting the things they want.
-
Offer your child more-appropriate choices. This will help
him regain a feeling of power and control over his life. Let
him choose what music you'll listen to in the car or when you
get home. Let him choose which book you'll read to him that
afternoon. Offer these choices in a calm, matter-of-fact manner,
so they don't come across as bribes for stopping the tantrum.
Otherwise, your child will probably throw more tantrums so that
he can be bribed again.
If you would like to email a copy of this article to a friend
please complete the form below.
|
