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A child’s whine—that god-awful cross between crying and
talking—is one of the most annoying sounds a parent can hear.
It grates like nails on a chalkboard and can bring out the temper
in the most patient adult.
Whining first appears around age two, when children have developed
the fundamental verbal skills to ask for what they want. Luckily,
whining is merely a passing phase for the majority of children.
By the time they are in grade school, most have mastered the biological
and social challenges that triggered whining when they were younger,
and have learned more sophisticated ways of expressing their needs
and emotions.
All children whine at some point when they are tired, hungry or
ill. (These are the same circumstances in which we’re most
likely to hear adults whine as well!) At these moments no amount
of psychological insight or parental skill is as effective as a
nap or a snack. This type of whining is a reflection of how overwhelmed
children are feeling. It is the best, and perhaps the only, response
to the things that are bothering them that they can think of without
help.
Young children also whine when they’re frustrated. A four-year-old
is likely to whine when he can’t play with a particular toy
that he covets at that moment, or when he realizes that he doesn’t
have the coordination to do something that his older brother or
sister can do. In these situations, simply distracting the child
by giving him something else to play with or showing him something
that he can do successfully at his stage of development will usually
stop the whining. Quiet activities, such as putting together a puzzle
or being read to, will help a child regain his composure.
For some children, however, whining is an everyday occurrence.
It is a style of expressing their opinions and desires even when
they are rested, healthy, and generally happy. These are the children
who whine incessantly to get what they want, especially when the
thing they want most is their parents’ attention.
Although the parents of these children are often blamed for being
overindulgent, the causes of incessant whining are seldom that simple.
Biology also appears to play a role. Treating the problem requires
taking both matters into account.
On the biological side, any pediatrician or experienced parent
will tell you that some infants are simply fussier or more irritable
than others from the moment they’re born. In fact, this trait
probably starts while they’re still in the womb, although it’s
harder to spot that early. Some researchers say these irritable
children are more likely to become chronic whiners as well, and
that the whining is a reflection of their inborn temperament.
We can see this type of temperamental influence in other areas,
too. There’s evidence that children whose mothers say they
kicked a lot during the last trimester of pregnancy seem to be more
active when they’re in the outside world.
Also, children quickly learn when and with whom a particular behavior
is successful. For example, chronic whiners will usually use that
tone of voice with their parents, but not with other adults or children.
The reason is simple: Other people are less tolerant of it. This
is especially true for children, who will often respond to a whiny
playmate by getting up and leaving. That’s one reason why a
frustrated child who’s with a teacher or playmate is more likely
to cry than to whine.
What makes stopping chronic whining difficult for parents is that
the child’s definition of success may be different from the
adults’. This explains why yelling at a child for whining will
probably make matters worse.
Remember: whining is a child’s solution to a problem. Often,
that problem is a desire for attention. But young children who want
extra attention will seldom ask for it in so many words. Instead,
they may hide their real desire behind demands for a drink of juice
or a cookie, or they may rush over to you and whine for something
as soon as you pick up the telephone.
Also keep in mind that to a child, any kind of attention—even
being yelled at—is better than nothing. That’s a testament
to how valuable you are in your child’s eyes. After all, how
many adult friends and relatives do you have who would rather be
screamed at by you than ignored? So, if your child’s primarily
looking for more attention from you, yelling at her will teach her
that whining is a successful social strategy.
Giving in to her whiny demands teaches her the same lesson. If
she’s whining about wanting you to give her a particular toy
that’s in her room and you bring it to her, she’s hit
the jackpot. Not only has she gotten the extra attention (at least
for a moment), but she has the toy as well. But if her principal
interest is getting more attention from you, she’ll quickly
lose interest in the toy and whine about something else.
This isn’t to say that you should never give your child something
she asks for. That’s both cruel and nonsensical. But if you’d
like to put a halt to the whining, you have to begin by recognizing
that your child (1) may really need something besides what she’s
asking for, and (2) may not know any other way of getting what she
wants.
So what can you do to stop the whining? Obviously, if your child
is craving more of your attention, that’s exactly what you
should give her. Two issues are key here. First, set aside some
time when you can give your child your undivided attention. Even
a few minutes of having you all to herself is worth more than a
hour of your partial attention while you talk on the phone or try
to watch television. Besides, you’ll enjoy it, too.
Second, catch her being good. You want to pay extra attention to
your child when she asks you for things politely instead of whining.
That way you avoid unintentionally reinforcing the behavior you’re
trying to get rid of.
Here are some other ideas that can help:
- Remember that it’s almost always fruitless to ask a
cranky toddler or preschooler to justify her feelings or to explain
what’s bothering her. Whining is a primitive behavior.
It shows that the child isn’t functioning up to par or is
feeling overwhelmed. If you simply ask, "What’s wrong?"
you probably won’t get much of an answer because children
this age have trouble putting those emotions into their own words.
Instead, try giving your child choices based on what you think
may be going on. "Are you tired?" "Are you angry
at your friend?" That will both make it easier for your child
to identify her emotions and give you the information you want.
- Set up some ground rules for whining. It’s best
to do this while your child isn’t upset. If there are two
parents in your household, you should talk to your child about
this together so that it’s clear you’re presenting a
united front on this issue. Explain that you will never give your
child what she wants if she whines, but if she asks politely,
you’ll consider it.
- Teach your children alternatives to whining. All too
often we simply tell children, "Stop whining!" Unfortunately,
they may not know what else they can do. Even though it’s
obvious to us, we need to teach children which behaviors are more
appropriate, such as asking for something politely. Let them hear
the words and tone of voice you want from them.
- If you feel your child’s simply overwhelmed, don’t
get angry. That will make your child feel even worse. Instead,
consider making a game of joining in on the whining. Ask her if
you can put your arm around her and whine a bit as well. The two
of you can alternate complaining about how terrible your respective
days have been.
Although this sounds silly, it can have a wonderful effect. By
joining in on the whining without mocking your child, you’re
letting her know that although her feelings are legitimate, her
style of expressing them is inappropriate. Besides, after a couple
of minutes of doing this together, you’ll probably both be
giggling, your child will feel better, and the whining will stop.
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